Those space cakes.
They just sat there in some wacka-do shop somewhere in the Red Light District.
Or, someone bought them and got high on them.
Whoo-Hoo! More power to them.
Bottom line is, I didn't have any!
Nor did I consume, inhale, or ingest any other cannabis.
Did I want to?
But, actually, to be fully honest with you, we were having such a great time just going with the flow that I didn't have this big urge to go get me some hash.
(Plus, my man wasn't a team player in that aspect. So it woulda been me totally stoned, and he just not vibing with me. BORING!)
(Or, it woulda been something like this.)
Anyway, I don't feel like I missed out.
Doing that stuff was never my thing anyway.
(I can count on one hand the times I've done that.)
The whole week was blissful.
Veni, Vidi, Vici!
It was a much-needed time away to reconnect to myself, my truth, my husband and our relationship.
Take my word for it: Shit got CRAAAAZY in my life for a while (over a year), and it was time to do this.
When we were sitting on the plane, I turned to my very-structured-need-to-plan-everything-husband and said,
"OK listen. Here's the plan. There is no plan. I'm just going with the flow. I'm gonna wake up when I wake up, and decide what I wanna do when I know what I wanna do. I'll give you a general list of things I might wanna do, or not wanna do for the day, but other than that, I'm just wingin' it. Capisce?"
And he was cool with that.
That was the plan.
That's what went down.
We didn't argue once.
(Well, maybe had a disagreement about something stoopid, but nothing crazy like when we're at home, where I wanna rip his head off because he's being male.)
Towards the end of the week, the night before we left, I started getting a little anxious.
I couldn't put my finger on it.
I actually was looking forward to heading home the next day.
I missed my kids a lot and I wanted to squeeze them and hold them.
So it wasn't the obvious thing about the holiday ending that made me all down.
The realisation came to me on the next day while on the plane.
It was slightly about the holiday ending, but more specifically, it was about my fear of getting back out there, getting back into the routine of my life.
Going back out into the jungle.
The WILDERNESS of MY LIFE.
Kids. Routine. Schedule. My practice. My plans. My responsibilities. My accountabilities.
The trip was an escape where I temporarily allowed myself to let it all go. No worries. No commitments. No one to answer to. No one to interrupt me ("Mummy! Mummy!")
Coming back meant I had to be in the game again.
And it stressed me out.
Because there's always that feeling of fear,
"Can I do it?"
"Am I capable?"
Once we got back and settled back into my house, hugged my kids, and soaked it all in, the following day I had to drive my mother to the airport (she came to stay and take care of my kids during the week).
In the car on the way there she told me she could sense my uneasiness and she said, "You are doing this. You're the most resilient person I know. YOU CAN DO THIS."
(Moms always know what to say, right!)
And then I dropped her off, said my goodbyes, and went back home.
En route home, I blasted my favourite music and just zoned into it.
And then it happened.
That sense of "ahhhhhh".
The feeling of HOME.
In that moment, all my unease turned into total ease.
I felt really really content. Really GOOD. I knew in that moment who I was.
I got my power back.
With the music in the air and the freedom of driving, my power came back to me and I just knew.
Those moments are so essential for me.
Being connected to ME and myself, my power, my purpose is why all of it is worth doing.
And I know I felt that with such intensity this time because I was able to experience fun, freedom, connection, and bliss together with my husband last week.
It's what I wanted and it's what I needed.
After all, the space cakes were just a fun symbol.
They'll always be there.
Amsterdam will be there.
And so will all the next trips.
Now I'm back, baby.
Ready to continue to conquer.
— Dr MaryAnne